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On_Victorys_Side
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Name: CB
Birthday: 9/2/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: Reading (Grisham, Peretti, Stanley, Miller), having fun, being as random as I can, meeting new people, athletics of all types, and I have a strong interest in moving out of my parents house and getting a life
Expertise: Apart from the saving grace of my Lord, I'm a filthy rotten no good sinner.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message me
AIM:  cbrott11
Member Since:
4/8/2004
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| The past week and 1/2 I've been at a kid's church camp. I went there last year when I was interning at a church but this year I took on a slightly different role...I was the camp speaker. Yeah, me speaking in front of people. Scary. I really didn't know what to expect from the experience or really what was even going to come out of my mouth. But things seemed to go really well, I mean it wasn't a Billy Graham crusade or anything, but it still went well. I really was shocked by how calm I felt as I was up on stage and how the kids suprisingly to me, seemed to be getting what I was trying to communicate. It was all such an answer to prayer and I could totally sense God working through me. I gotta be honest, this past summer--heck, year--has not been one of my best spiritually. Even coming into camp I was wanting to call the Director that I couldn't speak b/c I just flat out wasn't on page spiritually enough in my own life let alone trying to teach kids what it looks like to be a Christian. But God really worked through me and in me these past couple of weeks. He took a piece of crap person like me, who's been struggling like none other, and was able to communicate His message through my mouth, how awesome is that?! I really could sense his presence in my life and it was just an overall incredible experience for me in the experience area and in my own spiritual life. So as awesome as things went at camp as far as speaking and what not goes, I got a little suprise from someone the last night the counselors were there. Let's just say I was caught totally off gaurd and I got played. The more I think about my stupidity the more ticked off I'm getting and frustrated with myself I am. I know I should probably be ticked at the guy (yeah...it's a guy issue) but honestly, I think I'm more ticked at myself. I'm smarter than this. I can't beat myself up over it and I can't revert back to my high school days. I just wish that camp could have ended without anything happening and I could have continued in my ignorance and really just basked in what God had done. Instead when I think about camp now I think of this guy and how bad I got played. It's just frustrating to see how I can be on such a spiritual high one minute and then depressed and frustrated another. Lord, help me overcome. | | |
| So the past couple days as I've been sorting through all of my college stuff and trying to figure out how on earth to fit it all in my room, I've been watching Pride and Prejudice...the good version (6 hr one)  And as I was watching it, it suddenly occurred to me as to why every girl who has watched the movies or read the book longs to have a "Mr. Darcy" in their lives. I mean, I guess it could be because he's handsome, good social standing, wealthy, polite, passionate and many other things...but really, the more I thought about it, I realized that he is the ideal man because of three simple things: he drinks, he dances and he stares shamelessly at his girl...I mean, what the perfect guy!! Find me a guy with those three things and I'm in!! hehe  (ahh yes, and I am a Cedarville graduate  ) | | |
| So I'm home...back where I've been my entire life. I'm glad that my parents are allowing me to stay in their house again and I love them dearly, but things have just been rough lately. Part of it is the fact that I feel completely lost. I feel like I don't know who I am or where I am going in life, and my parents are a continual reminder to me of that. The other thing is that since I've been home I've been helping my dad coach my high school's softball team. It's been fun really, I miss playing ball and just being outside and having fun, but the negative side to this is that I am back at my old school. The school where I spent 12 years of my life and everyone seems to know everyone. Sure it's good to see people again, but I feel like it's just not a part of my life anymore. The other thing about being home is the questions. There are two questions that I have come to despise from people that knew me back in the day. First, "oh wow, you graduated. So now what?" And then when I say I don't know I get this look saying "well what's the matter with you." Second, the questions of "Do you have a boyfriend? You don't? Wow, I'm suprised, why not?" and along with that is the look that says, "whats the matter with you." Now I know that these people mean well and are just interested in what's happening with my life (or at least pretending to be interested) but really it's kinda degrading. No...I don't have any idea what's next, but it's not like I haven't thought about it or wished I knew. And no, I don't have a guy, but it's not like I enjoy being single and venturing into the world alone. Maybe I'm just being over-sensitive, in fact I probably am. I'm just sick of being stuck in this stereotype that since I graduated from college I should have a job and should be getting married. And yes, eventually I would like to have both those things, but at this point in time I don't know what kind of job I want to pursue, and I sure know that I am not ready to be married yet. To sum it up...I hate stereotypes...and I hate how people make me feel when I'm not in one...despite how happy I may be where I am. | | |
| I don't do well with change...*sigh*
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| I hate saying goodbye, in fact I rarely say it. Almost always I'll say "see ya later" or something to that affect because I plan on seeing the person again. However, this week has been the week of goodbyes. It's been shockingly hard for me to say "goodbye" knowing that in most cases "see ya" is really not a reality. I've been having to say goodbye to so many amazing people who I had some great times with that I will probably never see again. It's almost as though with every goodbye a piece of my heart breaks, of course with some people more than others, but I truly do hate it. These past 4 years I have seen myself develop into a relational person in a way I never thought possible. And yet, here all that time and energy is soon to be cut off completely and all I have to say is "goodbye." Sometimes moving on in life really bites.
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